Last night I symbolically threw my shame in the river, I threw in the subtle shame I realised I hold on some level about being single. As if maybe that makes me somehow inadequate or undesirable or just not good enough at manifesting!
I released this unhelpful thought form, because it is not based on truth.
If I really wanted a man, I could ‘get’ one, I could manipulate reality somehow and find a body to share my bed with, but the truth is that I do not just want any body. I want a man who can truly open me and open TO me. A man who can really see me, a man who is dedicated to growth and truth in the same way that I am. A man who takes me deeper than I can go myself.
I am determined not to purchase the idea that men are ‘behind’ the women in terms of growing up and showing up (although I could easily rustle up a hell of a lot of evidence to prove this) and my intention in writing about this subject is not to point out that men are not capable of really meeting me. It is about me getting super clear about where I am investing my energy, where I am losing energy, where I am barking up the wrong tree, where I am forgetting to trust, where I am selling out for the hope of fulfilling a romantic vision, and losing touch with reality in the process.
Forgive me for making pronouncements for all women, because many might disagree, but from my own experience I would say that the romantic illusion is FUCKING STRONG for us women.
I am generally a very grounded woman (and pretty wise actually, ask my friends!) and yet in the field of relating I have observed an unbelievable tendency to create intricate webs of delusion centred around whoever it is I am attracted to. FUCK. It is SO frustrating, I experience first hand how I can go into a complete story as soon as I fancy a guy.
So this article is about ME, and this tendency of women to give our power away, in the hope of receiving love and validation and fulfilling a romantic fantasy.
Let me take you back 48 hours, to a scene by a river, here in magnificent beautiful tropical Bali. At a restaurant with a dear soul sister, I was freshly out of a period of fasting and meditation, with a fresh perspective on THE TRUTH about what had been REALLY going on with the last guy I had been relating to.
First of all, the guy is lovely, was as honest with me as he could be, this is not really about him.
What I could observe clearly, after a couple of weeks of being completely friggin confused and blind, was that I was moving towards this guy, basically because I was following a romantic impulse, and just really wanted to be seen, met and loved, by a man.
Yes I admit it.
I am dying to be loved, seen and met, by a man.
The problem is that this man was so obviously not in a position to meet me and fulfil these needs, yet something in me kept on moving towards him, I was moved from a place of lack rather than a place of fullness, I created a story which fed my unconscious insecurities, and my precious energy was wasted in the process.
On this night, in a fit of clarity on the whole issue, I made a stand for myself, I have no idea if I will uphold it but still it feels really important to at least try.
(And my friend told me I had to write about it, I really didn’t want to because this subject makes me feel really vulnerable, but when she said it I got a funny feeling in my tummy that indicated to me that I had no choice, I had to write about it. And I trust that if you are reading this then this might be meaningful to you in some way.)
So what did I make a stand for?
To not give my power and energy away to relationships that do not take me deeper into an experience of truth, intimacy and aliveness.
To not settle for unconscious relating or unsatisfying sex.
(Am I the only girl who gets emotionally attached as soon as she has sex with someone? This is not my pledge to be celibate until marriage but this is a kick up the arse to myself to honour the fact that my heart and yoni are inextricably linked, and to only create ties to men who are UP FOR THE JOURNEY and ready and willing to meet me in the depths and stay present for the whole process.)
My intention is to HAVE MY EYES OPEN and notice when I have moved from reality into fantasy, to communicate, to be authentic, to be CLEAR ABOUT MY OWN NEEDS, and find empowering ways to fulfil them.
And a note to the men:
I want you, I need you, and if you are relating to me intimately I need you to open to me, if you hold back your presence and love, we both lose out.
If you cannot open to me, please explain to the best of your ability what is going on for you, let me know where you are at, so at least I can try and work from it on my side.
Please help me, lovingly, to stay in my centre and have compassion for the fact that I have this massive urge to love and be loved, and if I am attracted to you, there is a good chance I will project some of my yearning on to you.
Please be aware of how sensitive I am to your touch and presence, I have learnt to be vulnerable and soft so that I can surrender to you as the feminine principal, and that means I come to you un-armoured by choice, so please take care. Please understand that my yearning for love feels bigger than me. I can get blinded by my pull to merge with you!
And thank you for every time you have been honest with me, and loving at the same time, this is incredible medicine for my heart. Thank you for every moment you have come to me with respect and love and received the preciousness of my gifts. Thank you for every time you have entered me with presence and devotion. Thank you for every time you have stayed with me until our process is complete and left me with a feeling of being respected and honoured.
And to myself….and all women
Thank you for being open to love, thank you for being human too, and vulnerable and real, thank you for choosing to focus your energy on what Is expansive and supportive, and making wise choices that serve your greatest needs rather than your need to be validated.
Life is amazing you are amazing! Please do not sell out for that small part of you who is afraid that she is not loveable!
If there is not a man on the scene that is capable of offering you something of worth, and who is able to recognize and receive the gift of you, don’t waste you time. Be single and proud, make love to life, nurture your energy, feed your power and cultivate discernment. Respect the preciousness of your own energy and the temple of your own body and share it with the people who expand you beyond your small self’s fears…If they are not here now, they will come, until then, rest into being and TRUST!