We were not designed to settle with a life that is ‘just ok’, we are here to experience our own version of YES!
If we are really honest with ourselves we can see that we are at our happiest when we are stretching beyond who we thought we were and into a larger, more expansive, creative, confident and juicy version of ourselves..
But does that mean we need to drag ourselves, kicking and screaming in the direction of growth?? Does that mean we should be bullying ourselves out of our comfort zone and beyond?
Or is there another way to do it? a kinder way to do it?
I feel quite privileged to be a professional hand holder ( aka a coach) for women who want to step out of the comfort zone (which they have begun to notice is actually quite uncomfortable indeed.) And I have found that NO we do NOT need to bully ourselves out of our comfort zones, but that often the best approach to making profound shifts and life changes is to get out of our comfort zone in what I call ‘ the feminine way’.
What do I mean by feminine? i mean the more YIN way…
‘Feminine’ as in flowing, receptive, not pushing, not striving, not should-ing…
It is a way of engaging with our fears with sensitivity.
It is a way to move out of our comfort zones whilst feeling safe, connected and grounded.
(Basically, It is a way to grow and expand that honors the little one inside of us who is totally shit- scared.)
A small note about the masculine approach (which often fails to address the little ones needs)
First of all..there is nothing ‘wrong’ with a a more masculine ‘yang’ approach. With this approach you PUSH your way out of your comfort zone, at certain times this may be the ‘kick up the arse’ you need. But…
If you bulldoze your way through your fear, you may well have to, at some point, backtrack and deal with the fallout (which sometimes shows up as actual trauma) that often comes as a result of not listening to those tender parts of us that need patience and love.
Here is my approach to getting out of the comfort zone WITH patience and love.
1. Get to know the scared little person
I notice that every time I am about to move out of my comfort zone, I freak out. I am sure I am not the only one..we all have our own version of the little scared person who lives inside of us.
I encourage you NOT to try and push ‘her’ out of the way. Instead, take the time to get to know her, intimately.
These are the kinds of questions you can ask your scared little self to get transformative insights.
- What are you really afraid of?
- What do you need right now?
- What do you need to feel safe?
2. Make a deal with your little friend
Once you have made friends with the little scared one inside of you, you can begin to explore how you can best work together and make the journey out of the comfort zone ‘ok’ for every part of you.
Once you have formed this dialogue you will begin to see what her fears are, and most importantly, what her needs are, and you can make a deal…for example..
Maybe your little one will feel safe about letting go of your full time job if you let her know that you will line up some other kind of income first.
Perhaps she will feel ok about moving into relationship if you make the deal with her to keep connecting in with yourself, so as not to lose your self in the relationship.
Do you get the picture?
Parameters, boundaries and action plans all help the little one to feel safe..as do kind words of reassurance and a compassionate approach.
3. Giant leaps and baby steps.
Life will always move through periods of expansion and contraction. It is so natural whilst in a period of expansion out of your comfortable old shapes and patterns , for there to be a period of ‘OH FUCK!!!’ (ie:the freak out).
And you might as well accept that and work with that.
Sometimes its time for a great leap, sometimes it is more kind to take a baby step, sometimes you need to curl up and whimper for a while…and that should be totally allowed as long as you notice when it is the time to get up, brush yourself off and walk on, perhaps in baby steps..
4. Don’t try and do it all alone
I am someone who feels compelled to constantly move out of my comfort zone, just cause I know that that ultimately serves me. But I don’t try and do that without support. I KNOW that need hand holders and midwives to assist my great leaps, and baby steps out of the comfort zone.
Women need support, from other women
and if we don’t get it, we suffer, it truly is as simple as that. Don’t try and expand without support systems firmly in place, find your sisters, your midwives, your priestesses, without support you will become hardened.
Get Good at asking for help!!
(You want to stay soft and receptive as you grow, this only comes when you feel supported by your sisterhood)
Do this for your self, do this for your sisters, and if you do not have someone who you can cry on along the way, get one!
So… if you have been one of those women who bully themselves for not bring ‘good enough’ or tough enough or whatever enough then I am happy to say
YES !! You can work on your self with LOVE!!!!
Yes you CAN let go of the ‘should’.
You can be a brave warrioress, an empowered woman doing her thing in the world AND a crumbling wreck at moments. It really is ALL ok!!!!
I find that for most women, we thrive in a tender and yet uncompromising environment. And that when change evolves in fluid, responsive way, in alignment with our deep needs as women to feel safe, nurtured and connected to our natural feminine flow, then the transformation we experience is deep and long lasting.
And I will leave you with this reminder..
..the real reason we leave our comfort zones, is to enjoy a life which is more expansive and fulfilling…so remember to be EXCITED about the space beyond your comfort zone, and know every little baby step is a bold and wonderful movement to embodying your greatest truth.